How do you compare?

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Seeing the attached picture, prompted me to write again. I hope it presents you with some food for thought and some reflection.

As a child, my parents penciled how tall I was growing on a doorpost in our hallway. My growth was never compared to that of my brother. As I grew older, way too often, I found myself comparing myself to my colleagues, my friends or even celebrities. I wanted to be slimmer, wealthier or achieve the success that others had. I may even have pointed an imaginary finger at a colleague who had worked really hard to receive a promotion and I pondered why my colleague had received it and I had not.

Everyone has a different pace, different priorities, different challenges and different things that they are willing to compromise throughout their lives. Before comparing yourself to someone else, remember that when you point your index finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. I’ve come to realize that when I look at someone who has achieved success, that I may only be seeing the result of that success. The diet and early morning rises to exercise; the scrimping and saving to purchase the larger home; the stretch assignments, late night calls and weekends at work; all go unseen.

I’ve learned to be happy for the achievements of others and to be ecstatically happy with what I have achieved myself because as the old adage goes, ‘you reap what you sow’, and all that I have accomplished is what I have been willing to commit to; what I have been willing to sacrifice and the work that I have done.

So, next time you find yourself comparing your own efforts to someone else, you may want to stop yourself and reflect.

Helen Martin is a coach and trainer based in London.

Measuring up

7-steps to manage a difficult conversation

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Whether you need to have a discussion with your manager or give advice to a friend, just the thought of some conversations may leave you feeling anxious and you may decide to avoid the subject altogether. Today, I’d like to share with you, a fairly simple 7-step method to manage difficult conversations.

Please consider the following:
A. What do you want to achieve by the end of the conversation for yourself and for the other party?

B. What do you really want? What are your feelings telling you about what you really want?

C. Why would smart, well-intentioned people be behaving in the way that they have been? Develop 3 hypotheses (use respect, empathy and curiosity).

Use the following 7 steps to structure the conversation. I have also included a completed example below:

Step 1. Name the issue. Give a neutral and concise description of the issue.

Step 2. Clarity – give a specific example of the issue.

(At this stage, you may need to break eye contact to stop the person interrupting you. If they still interrupt you, ask if they would kindly let you finish what you would like to say).

Step 3. State calmly how you feel about the issue. I feel ‘disappointed, annoyed, sad…..’ If you can substitute ‘I feel….’ with ‘I am…..’ you’re on the right track as this will prove that it’s a feeling.

Step 4. State why it matters…..’This matters because…’

Step 5.  Identify your own contribution to the problem.

Step 6. Reassure that you want to work with the person to resolve the issue.

Step 7. End with an open question.

Follow the steps and write down an issue of your own; then practice on someone as you may still need to work on your tone of voice and/or body language to achieve the best result.

Example:  Your statement should take under 60 seconds.

1. I would like to talk to you about the job application process in our company,

2. for example, the ‘senior’ position that was recently posted to the intranet.

3. I feel disappointed that this new position was posted without anyone in the department knowing that the job existed.

4. This matters because I would have liked to have applied for the position and the current way of doing things is perceived as unfair.

5. I understand that it’s my responsibility to manage my own career and therefore to keep an eye on job postings,

6. I would be happy to help build a new process so that everyone who is interested in new opportunities has a fair chance to apply.

7. What’s your take on this?

It may take a few test runs, to become comfortable with this process, but it’s one that has been found to work well.

Good luck!

Helen Martin is a coach and trainer and is based in London.

Managing yourself through Change

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Some of my friends tell me that I am brave because I am not afraid of change, while others think I am crazy and that I take unnecessary risks; I would like to challenge them all.

Change is not comfortable; in fact it’s scary! But what’s scarier: Having the carpet pulled out from underneath you because you would rather ignore change; or, having your own plan in place, irrespective of what the world throws at you?

As a leadership coach, I have met many people who have become paralysed by change, even if they knew it was coming: from, company reorganisations in which they have been made redundant, divorce, to promotions, etc. Change paralyses! Or does it? What if you always had a plan?

Acting like the victim in ‘Karpman’s drama triangle‘, blaming the establishment, government, schools, your partner, your family, your manager, etc. for all of your woes, won’t make your problems go away. When you point your index finger at the world, there are three fingers on your hand pointing right back at YOU. Is there something YOU could have done to avoid a situation? And more importantly, how do you ensure that you take control in future?

Are you happy with your job? Is your organisation happy with you? Where do you see yourself in a few years? How would you need to develop yourself to get there? What are you doing to remain true to yourself? How can you ensure that you are always one step ahead? What’s your Plan B?

Don’t wait to be unpleasantly surprised and for change to happen to you. Be part of the change. But before you start, ask yourself how committed you are. If you want to lose weight: how committed are you to going to the gym, eating less and moving more? Work towards your own ideal future and towards your own goal, irrespective of what other people expect you to do.

I hope I’ve given you some food for thought and quiet reflection. Change need not be scary if you are following your own plan. I will close with a few words from someone much wiser than I am, “We, but mirror the world. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.” – Mahatma Gandhi. Life changes are inevitable but when we initiate personal change, we rise to the challenge, ensuring a more positive result.

Helen Martin is a coach and trainer and is based in London.

Who inspires you to be great?

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I found my inspiration today from my recently graduated, 24 year old nephew’s, facebook page. His words inspired me because many of us will hit walls somewhere in our lives; whether it’s during study or later in our careers and the key often lies in finding what we are truly passionate about; what we love doing. If you’re motivated after reading my nephew’s inspirational words, I would encourage you to read a blog that I posted a few months ago, ‘Find your passion and accelerate your career’; it may help you to structure your thoughts and offer you some guidance.

vincent_van_gogh_-_wheatfield_under_thunderclouds_-_vgm_f778“The greats weren’t great because at birth they could paint. The greats were great, cause they paint a lot.

🎓 My Uni story does not begin well. I started straight out of high school because I thought it was the right thing to do. I tried marketing and hospitality management, failing exam and missing lectures. No effort I put in got any return. I was in a negative state of mind. I went to my parents one night to tell them I was going to drop out, I was not happy.

Adolescent late weeknight hang outs gave me the chance to listen to one of my best mates tell stories from his day at work. He chose to do a year working full time for a property company in the hills. His stories captivated and intrigued me. My interest stemmed to study, then to distinctions, then to mentoring other students within the course and now working. I’m so grateful for my family and friends who were there for me through the hard times and the good times, the lecturers who dropped some heavy knowledge, lecturer and role model, Dr. Pham, who got my foot in the door and my property brother, John, for starting it all.

Congrats to everyone who pushed through and graduated. It’s not smart to be dumb.”

Happy weekend.
Helen

The Time for Giving

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A few weeks ago, some colleagues and I decided to do some volunteering. It’s that festive time of year again and we wanted to show our support of our community.

We contacted our local Foodbank and we were thrilled to be able to spend a few hours wrapping presents; presents that had been donated generously by donors and departments stores. People visiting the Foodbank during the festive season are not only given a hamper of food but they also receive gifts for themselves and their family.

It’s so easy to judge and to label people, without having any knowledge of their circumstances. The day we volunteered, we heard stories that many people who collect food, only visit once or twice. Some of them find themselves dealing with bureaucracy, waiting for support from the government or they’ve just hit temporary hard times.

So, whether you have a preference for calling it the holiday season, or like me, you’re celebrating Christmas, remember that this season is most definitely the time for giving!

Feeling grateful at Thanksgiving

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You don’t need to have grown up in a country where Thanksgiving is celebrated to appreciate this holiday. Being grateful changes everything.

I recently watched a video of a very brave, young man delivering a speech at his high school graduation. He has cancer and has a very short time to live. It made me realise just how much I take my health and other things in my life for granted.
I am grateful for:

my family; they stand behind me through thick and thin, no matter where my whims take me. 

my fantastic friends; who live all over the world and yet still come and visit me and send me cards and gifts when I least expect them. 

my wonderful colleagues; I get to go and do a job that I love every day and laugh with people who have become friends. 

our lovely home; that greets friends and family for weekends, lavish dinners and gives us shelter from ‘the stormy blast’. 

Saving the best for last, I am grateful from my wonderful partner; He, mentors me, challenges me, cooks me the most amazing meals and loves me no matter what!

I’ll leave you with something that that very ill, high school graduate said, ‘None of us get out of life alive, so be gallant, be great and be gracious for all the opportunities that you have.’ 
Happy thanksgiving.
Feeling grateful!

Helen

‘You can’t judge a book by its cover’

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After this weekend’s horrific acts of violence in Paris, someone I know, who lives in Paris, shared the following touching words, and with his approval, I am sharing them with you.

 ‘After 9/11 in New York, the bombings in Madrid, London, Paris in February, Tunisia and the recent Russian flight, I thought that we had reached a maximum of horror and human stupidity. Unfortunately however, the horror seems to be unlimited. We are shocked, but I am also relieved that none of my family has been impacted by these recent events in Paris.

I am concerned about the future. Being Muslim, I fear that there will be further collateral damage after these events, for my generation and for our children. We are second generation immigrants to France and we have done our best to integrate into this country; a country, I call my own and my home. But, the country may look at us differently going forward, if not already.

Sometimes people ask me why I work so hard and the answer is very simple; The company I work for has been able to do what our country’s politicians and religious leaders have never been able to do; succeed at creating an organization where culturally diverse people can work together as one, following one vision, sharing different points of view and recognizing these differences as strengths and not weaknesses; I am proud to be part of my company’s diverse community.’

My thoughts are with the families of those people who have died so tragically in Paris as well as with those people, who continue to be affected.

The human journey 

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This weekend, while travelling, I watched a thought provoking film called ‘The Good Lie‘. The film ‘follows’ four very young Sudanese refugees (some of the Lost Boys of Sudan) who are forced to walk +900 kilometres through Sudan, to the Kakuma refugee camp in Kenya, to flee Sudan after their families lives were taken during the Sudanese civil war.

What made this film particularly thought provoking was not the atrocities they witnessed on their long journey through Sudan, and how these experiences affected their future lives, but more importantly, the way people are treated in refugee camps, and, if refugees are ‘lucky’ to be relocated to another country, how hard it is for them to fit in and to settle.

This problem is still current. Kakuma Refugee Camp was founded in 1992 and today, it still serves over 179,000 people who have fled wars and violence in neighbouring countries (Sudan, Somalia, Ethiopia, D.R. Congo, Burundi, Rwanda, Eritrea and Uganda). 179000 people ‘trapped’ in this “small city” of thatched roof huts, tents, and mud abodes. Living inside the camp is equally prison and exile. Inside this small city at the edge of the desert, children age into adulthood and hope fades to resignation; a kind of hostage life for many refugees.

Watching ‘The Good Lie’ and reading more about Kakuma has made me even more sympathetic to the plight of the thousands of refugees who land every day on our European shores from Syria, Eritrea and beyond, to try to find sanctuary and a future in Europe. These people do not choose to leave their country; they choose to live. They choose to offer their children some form of hope for the future. I don’t believe that these refugees can be condemned for wanting the same things that we all want in our lives; safety, love and belonging, esteem and education.

I have heard so many refugees on television say that they are humans, so why are we treating them like animals. We are indeed all on a human journey. Fellow Europeans, what we need to do, is to open up our hearts and minds to the issues that are playing out around us in the world; and to ensure that our local councillors and politicians make the right decisions to accept as many refugees as we can into Europe and the UK. You can also help. Choose the charity of your choice; give money, clothing, your time but, give.

We are living in the best of times and the worst of times and realise that given different circumstances, that this could just as easily be you.

Learning to say ‘Thank You’

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I have good manners, I grew up learning to say please and thank you and I use these phrases often but, when someone compliments me it’s another story altogether. I huff and I puff and I use every phrase known to mankind but ‘thank you’ isn’t the first phrase that springs to mind.

I’ve often blamed this ‘lack of good manners’ on my heritage. Scottish people are just too conservative, too proud. We cannot grasp why on earth we’ve received a compliment, because we’re quite convinced that nothing we could have done is worthy of a pat on the back. However, I’ve learned that the English are no better at this either. ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing’, I say. ‘Oh this old thing! I’ve had it for years’ she replies. I obviously need my eyes tested then, because the dress is old and of no value, even though I think it looks good on the owner. But, to be fair, I’m no better at this myself. 

I’m learning though. It’s tough to say thank you and smile. Let me also say, that doing this, is far easier for the person giving the compliment. Not only is it nice receiving a compliment but think how good you feel yourself, when you give one and it is graciously received.

In future, when someone says something nice to you, just say thank you! I know I will.

Investing in your network

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Eleven years ago I felt that my career had reached a stalemate. It seemed like everyone around me was making promotion and I couldn’t quite understand why I wasn’t. I followed a friend’s advice and I found a coach.

The coaching sessions were tough. Who really wants to garner 360 degree feedback, only to hear what you thought you were good at, you’re not? With the ‘bad’, also came the good and I was pleasantly surprised by some of the replies that I wasn’t expecting. I learned to separate what I loved doing, with what I thought I was good at. There’s often no relationship between what you excel at and what you actually enjoy; but perhaps more importantly, my coach taught me to build my network and to keep in regular contact with my friends and business acquaintances. She taught me to invest in my network and to help people as much as I could, whether there was a direct benefit for me or not.

I was reminded about this advice when the company that I work for, recently announced a major change in its strategy. Whilst I am unaffected by this change, many people that I have met over the past months are. It seems that the only constant in business is change, so what can you do in a situation like this?

1) Allow yourself to go through the emotional curve. Shock, anger, sadness and, where relevant, mourn your loss.
2) Reach out to your colleagues. It’s not all about you and you may be able to help one another.
3) Talk to your manager to determine the short and long term priorities for you and your team.
4) Take stock. Get that 360 degree feedback. Understand what you’re good at and how you are perceived by others.
5) Update your CV; also online.
6) Let family, friends and business acquaintances know about your situation. This is not a time to be proud! And, they may be able to help you.

Once you’ve determined what you would like your next step to be, let people know. Talking about your dreams and aspirations, helps you visualise them and this will help you to determine what you need to do, to make your dreams become a reality.

I’m a firm believer that we don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason. Combining this knowledge with the age old saying, ‘you reap what you sow’ is extremely powerful. A network is only as strong as you make it yourself. Invest in the people you know and they are sure to invest in you when you need them.