Category: Uncategorized

7-steps to manage a difficult conversation

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

Whether you need to have a discussion with your manager or give advice to a friend, just the thought of some conversations may leave you feeling anxious and you may decide to avoid the subject altogether. Today, I’d like to share with you, a fairly simple 7-step method to manage difficult conversations.

Please consider the following:
A. What do you want to achieve by the end of the conversation for yourself and for the other party?

B. What do you really want? What are your feelings telling you about what you really want?

C. Why would smart, well-intentioned people be behaving in the way that they have been? Develop 3 hypotheses (use respect, empathy and curiosity).

Use the following 7 steps to structure the conversation. I have also included a completed example below:

Step 1. Name the issue. Give a neutral and concise description of the issue.

Step 2. Clarity – give a specific example of the issue.

(At this stage, you may need to break eye contact to stop the person interrupting you. If they still interrupt you, ask if they would kindly let you finish what you would like to say).

Step 3. State calmly how you feel about the issue. I feel ‘disappointed, annoyed, sad…..’ If you can substitute ‘I feel….’ with ‘I am…..’ you’re on the right track as this will prove that it’s a feeling.

Step 4. State why it matters…..’This matters because…’

Step 5.  Identify your own contribution to the problem.

Step 6. Reassure that you want to work with the person to resolve the issue.

Step 7. End with an open question.

Follow the steps and write down an issue of your own; then practice on someone as you may still need to work on your tone of voice and/or body language to achieve the best result.

Example:  Your statement should take under 60 seconds.

1. I would like to talk to you about the job application process in our company,

2. for example, the ‘senior’ position that was recently posted to the intranet.

3. I feel disappointed that this new position was posted without anyone in the department knowing that the job existed.

4. This matters because I would have liked to have applied for the position and the current way of doing things is perceived as unfair.

5. I understand that it’s my responsibility to manage my own career and therefore to keep an eye on job postings,

6. I would be happy to help build a new process so that everyone who is interested in new opportunities has a fair chance to apply.

7. What’s your take on this?

It may take a few test runs, to become comfortable with this process, but it’s one that has been found to work well.

Good luck!

Helen Martin is a coach and trainer and is based in London.

Managing yourself through Change

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

Some of my friends tell me that I am brave because I am not afraid of change, while others think I am crazy and that I take unnecessary risks; I would like to challenge them all.

Change is not comfortable; in fact it’s scary! But what’s scarier: Having the carpet pulled out from underneath you because you would rather ignore change; or, having your own plan in place, irrespective of what the world throws at you?

As a leadership coach, I have met many people who have become paralysed by change, even if they knew it was coming: from, company reorganisations in which they have been made redundant, divorce, to promotions, etc. Change paralyses! Or does it? What if you always had a plan?

Acting like the victim in ‘Karpman’s drama triangle‘, blaming the establishment, government, schools, your partner, your family, your manager, etc. for all of your woes, won’t make your problems go away. When you point your index finger at the world, there are three fingers on your hand pointing right back at YOU. Is there something YOU could have done to avoid a situation? And more importantly, how do you ensure that you take control in future?

Are you happy with your job? Is your organisation happy with you? Where do you see yourself in a few years? How would you need to develop yourself to get there? What are you doing to remain true to yourself? How can you ensure that you are always one step ahead? What’s your Plan B?

Don’t wait to be unpleasantly surprised and for change to happen to you. Be part of the change. But before you start, ask yourself how committed you are. If you want to lose weight: how committed are you to going to the gym, eating less and moving more? Work towards your own ideal future and towards your own goal, irrespective of what other people expect you to do.

I hope I’ve given you some food for thought and quiet reflection. Change need not be scary if you are following your own plan. I will close with a few words from someone much wiser than I am, “We, but mirror the world. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.” – Mahatma Gandhi. Life changes are inevitable but when we initiate personal change, we rise to the challenge, ensuring a more positive result.

Helen Martin is a coach and trainer and is based in London.

Who inspires you to be great?

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

I found my inspiration today from my recently graduated, 24 year old nephew’s, facebook page. His words inspired me because many of us will hit walls somewhere in our lives; whether it’s during study or later in our careers and the key often lies in finding what we are truly passionate about; what we love doing. If you’re motivated after reading my nephew’s inspirational words, I would encourage you to read a blog that I posted a few months ago, ‘Find your passion and accelerate your career’; it may help you to structure your thoughts and offer you some guidance.

vincent_van_gogh_-_wheatfield_under_thunderclouds_-_vgm_f778“The greats weren’t great because at birth they could paint. The greats were great, cause they paint a lot.

🎓 My Uni story does not begin well. I started straight out of high school because I thought it was the right thing to do. I tried marketing and hospitality management, failing exam and missing lectures. No effort I put in got any return. I was in a negative state of mind. I went to my parents one night to tell them I was going to drop out, I was not happy.

Adolescent late weeknight hang outs gave me the chance to listen to one of my best mates tell stories from his day at work. He chose to do a year working full time for a property company in the hills. His stories captivated and intrigued me. My interest stemmed to study, then to distinctions, then to mentoring other students within the course and now working. I’m so grateful for my family and friends who were there for me through the hard times and the good times, the lecturers who dropped some heavy knowledge, lecturer and role model, Dr. Pham, who got my foot in the door and my property brother, John, for starting it all.

Congrats to everyone who pushed through and graduated. It’s not smart to be dumb.”

Happy weekend.
Helen

The Time for Giving

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

A few weeks ago, some colleagues and I decided to do some volunteering. It’s that festive time of year again and we wanted to show our support of our community.

We contacted our local Foodbank and we were thrilled to be able to spend a few hours wrapping presents; presents that had been donated generously by donors and departments stores. People visiting the Foodbank during the festive season are not only given a hamper of food but they also receive gifts for themselves and their family.

It’s so easy to judge and to label people, without having any knowledge of their circumstances. The day we volunteered, we heard stories that many people who collect food, only visit once or twice. Some of them find themselves dealing with bureaucracy, waiting for support from the government or they’ve just hit temporary hard times.

So, whether you have a preference for calling it the holiday season, or like me, you’re celebrating Christmas, remember that this season is most definitely the time for giving!

Feeling grateful at Thanksgiving

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

You don’t need to have grown up in a country where Thanksgiving is celebrated to appreciate this holiday. Being grateful changes everything.

I recently watched a video of a very brave, young man delivering a speech at his high school graduation. He has cancer and has a very short time to live. It made me realise just how much I take my health and other things in my life for granted.
I am grateful for:

my family; they stand behind me through thick and thin, no matter where my whims take me. 

my fantastic friends; who live all over the world and yet still come and visit me and send me cards and gifts when I least expect them. 

my wonderful colleagues; I get to go and do a job that I love every day and laugh with people who have become friends. 

our lovely home; that greets friends and family for weekends, lavish dinners and gives us shelter from ‘the stormy blast’. 

Saving the best for last, I am grateful from my wonderful partner; He, mentors me, challenges me, cooks me the most amazing meals and loves me no matter what!

I’ll leave you with something that that very ill, high school graduate said, ‘None of us get out of life alive, so be gallant, be great and be gracious for all the opportunities that you have.’ 
Happy thanksgiving.
Feeling grateful!

Helen

‘You can’t judge a book by its cover’

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

After this weekend’s horrific acts of violence in Paris, someone I know, who lives in Paris, shared the following touching words, and with his approval, I am sharing them with you.

 ‘After 9/11 in New York, the bombings in Madrid, London, Paris in February, Tunisia and the recent Russian flight, I thought that we had reached a maximum of horror and human stupidity. Unfortunately however, the horror seems to be unlimited. We are shocked, but I am also relieved that none of my family has been impacted by these recent events in Paris.

I am concerned about the future. Being Muslim, I fear that there will be further collateral damage after these events, for my generation and for our children. We are second generation immigrants to France and we have done our best to integrate into this country; a country, I call my own and my home. But, the country may look at us differently going forward, if not already.

Sometimes people ask me why I work so hard and the answer is very simple; The company I work for has been able to do what our country’s politicians and religious leaders have never been able to do; succeed at creating an organization where culturally diverse people can work together as one, following one vision, sharing different points of view and recognizing these differences as strengths and not weaknesses; I am proud to be part of my company’s diverse community.’

My thoughts are with the families of those people who have died so tragically in Paris as well as with those people, who continue to be affected.

Learning to say ‘Thank You’

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

I have good manners, I grew up learning to say please and thank you and I use these phrases often but, when someone compliments me it’s another story altogether. I huff and I puff and I use every phrase known to mankind but ‘thank you’ isn’t the first phrase that springs to mind.

I’ve often blamed this ‘lack of good manners’ on my heritage. Scottish people are just too conservative, too proud. We cannot grasp why on earth we’ve received a compliment, because we’re quite convinced that nothing we could have done is worthy of a pat on the back. However, I’ve learned that the English are no better at this either. ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing’, I say. ‘Oh this old thing! I’ve had it for years’ she replies. I obviously need my eyes tested then, because the dress is old and of no value, even though I think it looks good on the owner. But, to be fair, I’m no better at this myself. 

I’m learning though. It’s tough to say thank you and smile. Let me also say, that doing this, is far easier for the person giving the compliment. Not only is it nice receiving a compliment but think how good you feel yourself, when you give one and it is graciously received.

In future, when someone says something nice to you, just say thank you! I know I will.

Investing in your network

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

Eleven years ago I felt that my career had reached a stalemate. It seemed like everyone around me was making promotion and I couldn’t quite understand why I wasn’t. I followed a friend’s advice and I found a coach.

The coaching sessions were tough. Who really wants to garner 360 degree feedback, only to hear what you thought you were good at, you’re not? With the ‘bad’, also came the good and I was pleasantly surprised by some of the replies that I wasn’t expecting. I learned to separate what I loved doing, with what I thought I was good at. There’s often no relationship between what you excel at and what you actually enjoy; but perhaps more importantly, my coach taught me to build my network and to keep in regular contact with my friends and business acquaintances. She taught me to invest in my network and to help people as much as I could, whether there was a direct benefit for me or not.

I was reminded about this advice when the company that I work for, recently announced a major change in its strategy. Whilst I am unaffected by this change, many people that I have met over the past months are. It seems that the only constant in business is change, so what can you do in a situation like this?

1) Allow yourself to go through the emotional curve. Shock, anger, sadness and, where relevant, mourn your loss.
2) Reach out to your colleagues. It’s not all about you and you may be able to help one another.
3) Talk to your manager to determine the short and long term priorities for you and your team.
4) Take stock. Get that 360 degree feedback. Understand what you’re good at and how you are perceived by others.
5) Update your CV; also online.
6) Let family, friends and business acquaintances know about your situation. This is not a time to be proud! And, they may be able to help you.

Once you’ve determined what you would like your next step to be, let people know. Talking about your dreams and aspirations, helps you visualise them and this will help you to determine what you need to do, to make your dreams become a reality.

I’m a firm believer that we don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason. Combining this knowledge with the age old saying, ‘you reap what you sow’ is extremely powerful. A network is only as strong as you make it yourself. Invest in the people you know and they are sure to invest in you when you need them.

building on the future

Published on by Helen Martin4 Comments

2014 seemed to fly by in the blink of an eye. It has been a year since my last blog. A year since my friend and mentor passed away. And, almost a year since I moved back to the UK from Hong Kong.

A year which started quite apprehensively, ended up ticking all of my boxes. It has been a year of sabbatical, travel, fun, family, friends, moving, new home and a fantastic new job.

In my new role at GE Capital, I was quickly asked to be our site’s representative for community activities. One of the organisations that GE sponsors is buildOn. BuildOn is an international nonprofit organization that runs youth service afterschool programs in United States high schools, and builds schools in developing countries.

Our local activities in London, served to raise funds to build a school in Malawi; a school that 15 volunteers, from our division, will help to build. What a pleasure to see the pride and excitement of our volunteers when they heard that they had reached their goal and they would be on their way to Malawi this year. Their own one year journey of business plans and fund raising had come to an end and the new part of their journey soon begins.

Having a break in one’s career, whether it’s a sabbatical or not, can be scary for anyone but if it’s used well, it can ensure that you return with renewed energy and vigour, ready to ‘build on’ your life and career. My year has helped me reflect on how fortunate I am, what compromises I am willing to make in my life and how much I am willing to give. I am happy or be back and blogging and I promise it won’t be a year until my next blog post.

A tribute to Robert Pino

Published on by Helen MartinLeave a comment

Yesterday morning whilst reading Facebook, I learned that someone I’ve known for 12 years had died suddenly of a heart attack and during the last 24 hours, I have followed the many comments, the shock and the sadness about his sudden departure.

People come into our lives for longer or shorter periods of time. Some of these people make a real mark on how we think and how we see the world; whilst others pass fleetingly, just brushing against the fabric of our life.

I have so many people to be thankful for in my life. So many people who have ‘moulded’ me into the person I am today. So many people, without whom my life would be a very different, emptier and less colourful place.

Robert asked me on more than one occasion why I’d been to San Francisco on business and had not visited him and Adela-May in LA. I didn’t go because I didn’t have time. But, the fact is; I didn’t make the time. And, now that Robert’s no longer with us, I’ll never be given that opportunity ever, again.

A long life is not guaranteed and it can be over in the blink of an eye. Posthumous words, celebrating someone’s life, however beautifully written, remain posthumous. Let’s try to avoid writing sonnets about someone’s life after their death. Instead make time and give those wonderful people in your life the credit that’s due to them before they leave our lovely planet: give them a call, take them for a coffee, write a note, a Facebook post, tweet, have a skype date, take out an ad……the list goes on and on. Just let them know, how they’ve impacted you and your life. Be mindful.

Robert Pino, I will miss your innovative way of thinking, your inspirational workshops and discussions, your infectious smile and wicked sense of humour. Robert, RIP. Adela-May, I wish you strength!