If you ever feel nervous about presenting and/or have the tendency to ruminate, and beat yourself up with negative, inner-chatter; ‘I can’t do this, I’m going to fail, why did I do that?, new research indicates that a simple technique called ‘distanced self-talk’ may help. Instead of using the first person “I” in your internal monologue, you can use your name, the second-person generic “you,” the third-person pronouns “he, she, they,” or even a “fly on the wall” perspective. Using myself as an example, ‘How will I solve this problem?, becomes, ‘How will Helen solve this problem’ or, ‘How will you solve this problem’, or, “What’s the ‘fly on the wall’ perspective on what happened?” etc.
This idea may seem simplistic, but words are consequential to our lived experience.
“Research participants who self-distanced by using non-first-person (vs. first-person) pronouns and their own name while preparing for a speech displayed less distress and engaged in less maladaptive postevent processing.”
Small shifts in the language people use to refer to themselves during introspection can influence their capacity to regulate how they think, feel, and behave under stress, reducing rumination, broadening perspective, and changing the way people perceive and evaluate their experience.
The next time you are trying to think your way through a socially or emotionally stressful situation, talk to yourself about it in the third person, and you can experience firsthand whether the technique works for you.
At this time of the year, many people will be writing about their achievements in 2020; how amidst the Corona virus pandemic they have learned to adapt and become more resilient, etc.
What 2020 has taught me, is to appreciate what I DO have, instead of worrying about the things that I DON’T have, or cannot control, and, to be kind to others and to myself.
Stephen Covey’s ‘Circle of Concern’, model from his book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) is just as relevant today as it was then. It distinguishes between proactive people – who focus on what they can do and influence – and reactive people who focus their energy on things beyond their control.
The model is based on two circles: Our circle of concern, which will include a whole range of things like, worrying about the Corona virus pandemic, entering tier 4 and the prospect of spending Christmas alone, global warming, Brexit, the possibility of redundancies at the organisation you work for, etc. This list will depend on you, as an individual. What’s important to understand, is that there may be little you can do about many of these things, since they are outside your influence, and devoting energy on them, may be a waste of time.
Our circle of influence, will be much smaller and often depends on our influence. It includes all of the things that we can control and do something about. Knowing how far your circle of influence extends is an important aspect of personal effectiveness; like forming partnerships and alliances – you may not have any direct influence over something in your Circle of Concern, but you may know other people who do.
What I take from this model is that we should focus on the action that we can take, instead of worrying about the things that we have no control over.
This knowledge has helped me through 2020 and it has made me live in the moment e.g. using the time stood in lengthy queues to buy basic provisions to make notes about what I should include in my next leadership and management training, instead of becoming annoyed and frustrated about the length of the queue.
I have also become grateful for what I DO have, and perhaps, become kinder. I recently bought some food for a homeless person outside a large supermarket. I struck up a conversation with him, and I asked him what he wanted most at this time of year. I expected to hear that he longed for a roof over his head, but instead he said that he missed conversation the most; often feeling like the invisible man. My simple act of kindness had made his day.
This year has placed extreme pressure on businesses and many individuals have also been put through the wringer; receiving no income for months. I have heard stories of successful people seeing bailiffs at their doors, homes and cars repossessed, suicidal thoughts, alcohol and drug abuse and much, much more; yet so many people put on a brave face to the world. The say they are ‘fine’ and ‘good’ when asked how they are. My conversation with the homeless man made it clear that I shouldn’t assume what people are worrying about. When someone says they are ‘fine’, ask how they really are.
Let’s enjoy living in the moment, no matter where we are, or where we would like to be. Let’s be grateful for what we have and most importantly let’s be kind during this season of giving!
Stay safe, healthy and happy as we move quickly towards 2021.
‘If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere’, Frank A Clark
This week I facilitated an online conversation with the head of a financial services firm. 130+ participants were interested to hear how we can drive our careers through crisis. We focused the discussion on remaining with our current company, since the figures show that the job market will be even more competitive, post this pandemic, than it was before. Continue reading “Driving your career through crisis”→
For years, companies have been reticent to allow staff to WFH (work from home) because they believed the nature of their work, would make it impossible.
82 days later and the WFH exercise has been so successful that a client mentioned, this week, that their productivity has risen 25% since lockdown.
A 25% increase in productivity sets alarm bells off in my head, as people have been navigating the boundary, or lack thereof, between work and home. Issues brought to coaching include increased stress, not being able to switch off, not having enough personal time.
So whilst the exercise is proving ‘positive’ for many companies, for many people, it may have failed.
Human beings are creatures of habit. Just note how quickly we have changed our behaviour.
An early rise and 1 hour commute, is now a later rise, breakfast and an early start. That two hour commute every day, is now an additional week at the office,…every month. And, with little other entertainment e.g. meeting friends, going to the gym, or to the theatre; it’s no wonder that after only 82-days of WFH, that people are feeling frazzled.
Behaviour can change in as little as three months. People just need to be given the tools to change (in this case, broadband, computer equipment that communicates to company systems, and a place to sit comfortably and quietly). But, people also need reassurance that what they are doing, and how they are doing it, is right.
The Western world has had little to no experience dealing with change of this calibre, so it’s no surprise that we’ve given people the tools but we haven’t told them how to use them.
Self-belief is vital to success. If we gave an overweight person, food and a diet plan, but we omitted to tell them the quantities that they should eat, their weight may stay the same; in fact their weight may increase and they would become despondent.
I’ll leave you with these thoughts:
How healthy will your workforce be (mentally and physically) when Covid-19 is a thing of the past?
Have you ensured that your staff has the tools to WFH, given them instructions of how to use them and reassured them that they are on the right track?
I am happy to discuss this topic and share findings of my masters thesis (part of the MSc. Coaching and Behavioural Change, 2018), titled ‘Changing behaviour in 3-months’.
In 1972, my family immigrated from Scotland to a very divided South Africa. As a child, I had no idea what racism was and I accepted, without question, the apartheid laws which were enforced; only questioning these, when I found my voice in my late teens.
Growing up, I saw racism and injustices in South Africa; mostly subtle, like the way that privileged whites spoke to blacks, and whilst I can’t remember witnessing any physical attacks, I’m sure that they occurred.
As a privileged, white, British, woman, I understand what racism is, and that this can be fuelled by unconscious bias, but I don’t know what it feels like.
I asked some friends and colleagues what racism feels like.
I don’t know what it feels like because I’ve never been doubted or questioned due to the colour of my skin.
I don’t know what it feels like to be disregarded for job interviews, due to my surname.
I don’t know what it feels like to be turned down for roles because I don’t fit in with the rest of the team.
I don’t know what it feels like to be the only woman of colour travelling in the first class section on the train, and the only person to be asked to show her ticket.
I don’t know what it feels like, to ask directions in the street and to notice how the person steps backwards a little and holds onto their bag just a little tighter.
I don’t know what it feels like, not to have loads of role models in the media, who look like me.
I don’t know what it feels like to have to consider racism in a country, before I book my annual holiday.
I don’t know what it feels like to see how few people, who look like me, hold senior management positions.
I don’t know what it feels like.
But, just because I don’t know what it feels like, doesn’t mean that I have no responsibility to make change; no matter how small. If I were to put the shoe on the other foot, how would I like to be treated?
I can make a difference by being more aware and self-aware; understanding what reactions my actions may trigger.
I can make a difference by including content, specifically about racism, in my leadership and management training and coaching, ensuring that all future leaders understand what it feels like!
Korn Ferry asked nearly 2,000 professionals what impact workplace stress had on them. 76% of respondents said stress at work had a negative impact on their personal relationships, and 66% say they have lost sleep due to work stress and 16%, have had to quit their job due to stress.
35% of the respondents say their boss is their biggest source of stress at work.
With only 30% of workers saying they are highly engaged in their jobs, how can we ensure managers have the tools that they need to become better at what they do, to make sure their team members are engaged? Let’s face it, they’re only human!
Over the last year, I have been delivering coaching and training as part of a leadership and management programme in the financial services industry. At the start of the programme, more than 40% of managers felt overwhelmed by their management responsibilities and described conflicts with team members, stress and a lack of confidence in carrying out their roles. After only 6 months, these managers had found confidence, which improved their board presence and client presentations; could manage their time more effectively, had formed better relationships with their teams; and they were generally happier and more engaged at work.
Managing stress in teams is only putting a plaster on an open wound. Let’s get to the root of the matter by offering managers the tools to excel in their craft, and rewarding good behaviour; which is a more positive step towards a workforce that is more engaged and stress-free.
After more than 5 years apart, my ex-colleagues and very firm friends, flew in from Australia, Japan and Hong Kong to meet me in London. We enjoyed each other’s company; reminiscing about both the good and the bad times; whilst discussing the power of global friendships.
We were born and raised in different countries; we are from different backgrounds; we were all hired at different times across Asia Pacific; either collaborating or working on the same team.
Having survived corporate life and company politics, today we are all entrepreneurs, enjoying work which inspires us. We are all so different, and yet, we have so much in common.
There was however something about our company experience that bonded us. Was it the company values or the culture?
After further discussion with the team and personal reflection, I believe that we chose the company based on our common values and how they matched those of the company. We tend to agree that a company’s culture may change, depending on the behaviours that senior leaders allow to creep in; either strengthening or weakening it.
When I coach clients about career choices, I advise them to consider very carefully how their values are aligned to a company’s.
I would therefore be curious to hear your views. Is it our friendship that acts as the glue that bonds us, or do company values extend way past the walls of a company?
There’s a story which I tell frequently when I am training or coaching future leaders, as many suffer from what is known as ‘imposter syndrome’ i.e. a psychological pattern in which the person doubts their own accomplishments.
An old Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life.
‘A fight is going on inside me,” he told the young boy, a fight between two wolves.
One is evil, full of anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity and false pride.
The other is good, full of joy, peace, love, humility, kindness and faith.
This same fight is going on inside of you, grandson…and inside every other person on earth.’
The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”
The old man smiled and simply said, “The one you feed.”
The wolf that you choose to ‘feed’, determines your success. Choose wisely.
I read today that the future of the Queen of Jazz, Ella Fitzgerald changed when legend Marilyn Monroe helped arrange Fitzgerald’s debut at the Mocambo nightclub.
Fitzgerald claimed her good fortune was due to Monroe’s support: “I owe Marilyn Monroe a real debt… she personally called the owner of the Mocambo and told him she wanted me booked immediately, and if he would do it, she would take a front table every night. She told him — and it was true, due to Marilyn’s superstar status — that the press would go wild,” Ella Fitzgerald, August 1972 issue of the MS magazine.
We talk about glass ceilings, board quotas and gender diversity and inclusion however, reading how Marilyn Monroe helped Ella Fitzgerald, highlights to me that women could be helping each other a lot more than we are.
Ladies, how are you helping a female colleague, peer or friend to achieve her success?