Author: Helen Martin

If you ever feel nervous about presenting and/or have the tendency to ruminate, and beat yourself up with negative, inner-chatter; ‘I can’t do this, I’m going to fail, why did I do that?, new research indicates that a simple technique called ‘distanced self-talk’ may help. Instead of using the first person “I” in your internal monologue, you can use your name, the second-person generic “you,” the third-person pronouns “he, she, they,” or even a “fly on the wall” perspective. Using myself as an example, ‘How will I solve this problem?, becomes, ‘How will Helen solve this problem’ or, ‘How will you solve this problem’, or, “What’s the ‘fly on the wall’ perspective on what happened?” etc.

This idea may seem simplistic, but words are consequential to our lived experience.

“Research participants who self-distanced by using non-first-person (vs. first-person) pronouns and their own name while preparing for a speech displayed less distress and engaged in less maladaptive postevent processing.” 

Small shifts in the language people use to refer to themselves during introspection can influence their capacity to regulate how they think, feel, and behave under stress, reducing rumination, broadening perspective, and changing the way people perceive and evaluate their experience.

The next time you are trying to think your way through a socially or emotionally stressful situation, talk to yourself about it in the third person, and you can experience firsthand whether the technique works for you.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-therapy/202012/science-based-technique-coping-stress?amp

http://selfcontrol.psych.lsa.umich.edu/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/2167702620951539.pdf

At this time of the year, many people will be writing about their achievements in 2020; how amidst the Corona virus pandemic they have learned to adapt and become more resilient, etc. 

What 2020 has taught me, is to appreciate what I DO have, instead of worrying about the things that I DON’T have, or cannot control, and, to be kind to others and to myself.

Stephen Covey’s ‘Circle of Concern’, model from his book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) is just as relevant today as it was then. It distinguishes between proactive people – who focus on what they can do and influence – and reactive people who focus their energy on things beyond their control.

The model is based on two circles:
Our circle of concern, which will include a whole range of things like, worrying about the Corona virus pandemic, entering tier 4 and the prospect of spending Christmas alone, global warming, Brexit, the possibility of redundancies at the organisation you work for, etc. This list will depend on you, as an individual. What’s important to understand, is that there may be little you can do about many of these things, since they are outside your influence, and devoting energy on them, may be a waste of time.

Our circle of influence, will be much smaller and often depends on our influence. It includes all of the things that we can control and do something about. Knowing how far your circle of influence extends is an important aspect of personal effectiveness; like forming partnerships and alliances – you may not have any direct influence over something in your Circle of Concern, but you may know other people who do.

What I take from this model is that we should focus on the action that we can take, instead of worrying about the things that we have no control over.

This knowledge has helped me through 2020 and it has made me live in the moment e.g. using the time stood in lengthy queues to buy basic provisions to make notes about what I should include in my next leadership and management training, instead of becoming annoyed and frustrated about the length of the queue.

I have also become grateful for what I DO have, and perhaps, become kinder. I recently bought some food for a homeless person outside a large supermarket. I struck up a conversation with him, and I asked him what he wanted most at this time of year. I expected to hear that he longed for a roof over his head, but instead he said that he missed conversation the most; often feeling like the invisible man. My simple act of kindness had made his day.

This year has placed extreme pressure on businesses and many individuals have also been put through the wringer; receiving no income for months. I have heard stories of successful people seeing bailiffs at their doors, homes and cars repossessed, suicidal thoughts, alcohol and drug abuse and much, much more; yet so many people put on a brave face to the world. The say they are ‘fine’ and ‘good’ when asked how they are. My conversation with the homeless man made it clear that I shouldn’t assume what people are worrying about. When someone says they are ‘fine’, ask how they really are.

Let’s enjoy living in the moment, no matter where we are, or where we would like to be. Let’s be grateful for what we have and most importantly let’s be kind during this season of giving!

Stay safe, healthy and happy as we move quickly towards 2021.

‘If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere’, Frank A Clark

This week I facilitated an online conversation with the head of a financial services firm. 130+ participants were interested to hear how we can drive our careers through crisis. We focused the discussion on remaining with our current company, since the figures show that the job market will be even more competitive, post this pandemic, than it was before. 
Continue reading “Driving your career through crisis” →

At work, we are more likely to notice what we can do better, before noticing what we do well.

Whilst this can result in Agile improvements, if we fail to recognise success, team members may become disengaged.

How do you keep your team motivated whilst remaining Agile?

Mindset matters and the act of simply changing our thoughts, can be the catalyst of great, positive change.

Let’s discuss how I can help you accelerate your (organisation’s) potential by changing mindset.

After more than 5 years apart, my ex-colleagues and very firm friends, flew in from Australia, Japan and Hong Kong to meet me in London. We enjoyed each other’s company; reminiscing about both the good and the bad times; whilst discussing the power of global friendships.

We were born and raised in different countries; we are from different backgrounds; we were all hired at different times across Asia Pacific; either collaborating or working on the same team.

Having survived corporate life and company politics, today we are all entrepreneurs, enjoying work which inspires us. We are all so different, and yet, we have so much in common.

There was however something about our company experience that bonded us. Was it the company values or the culture?

After further discussion with the team and personal reflection, I believe that we chose the company based on our common values and how they matched those of the company. We tend to agree that a company’s culture may change, depending on the behaviours that senior leaders allow to creep in; either strengthening or weakening it.

When I coach clients about career choices, I advise them to consider very carefully how their values are aligned to a company’s.

I would therefore be curious to hear your views. Is it our friendship that acts as the glue that bonds us, or do company values extend way past the walls of a company?